Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
