Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Less talking, more tequila
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
