You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
