I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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