So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
