Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
