just survived the first fart of the relationship.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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