I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
