if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
