I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
