I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
