lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
