I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
