I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Who died my cat blue again?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
