Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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