matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
No subtext here. People are naked.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
