The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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