i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize