she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
