Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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