my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
