I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
