worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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