Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
