The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
