Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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