Got a toothbrush?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
