Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
