shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
