Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
