We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I had to cum in my sink.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
