he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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