he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
