I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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