I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
