mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
