anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
