proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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