**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize