I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize