i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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