he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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