You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
