y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
