Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize