also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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