Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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