Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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