i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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