we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
