you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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