Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
