I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
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