I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
