My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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