the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
