It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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