If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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