ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Randomize
