woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
