Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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