He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
