why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
