he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
