I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
